What Do You Want?
“My tears are stored in your flask.”
Last night, I attended an event that included a writing prompt. The question, “What do you want?” was asked, and we were invited to write down our desires. For five minutes, we were encouraged to “just write” - not to edit or worry about how our answers sounded - just give an honest, unfiltered response.
At the top of my page, I wrote, “What do you want?” And at the top of my list - “I want to be a mother. I want to be lovely. I want to be a wife.” And then the tears came. In a room full of people, I poured out my desires as tears welled-up and streamed down my cheeks. And after, I drove home and sat in my driveway scanning today’s readings. As I sat there in the running car, I was brought to tears all over again when I read the Psalm:
“My tears are stored in your flask.”
Sisters, who can understand His timing? Certainly not me. But, Jesus knows what’s at the top of my list. He knows the longing and the ache I have to build a life with someone, to be a mother, to be beautiful and desired, to be free. He knows because He stores every tear.
Sisters, our God doesn’t stop at storing tears or longings or desires or aches in a flask. Our God moves in promises of goodness and redemption and love. He doesn’t think my desires are pathetic or typical or pitiable or trite like I sometimes do, and while I’m afraid that my life might not be all I hope, He’s excited about the life He has planned for me. He doesn’t think I’m too far gone or it’s too late or I’m helpless or my dreams are impossible because...
He tells me my desires are beautiful and good.
Sisters, I can’t control my desires, and I can’t control when or how God will fulfill them. But I can control myself. I can control how much time I spend with Him. I can control how much of my heart I offer to Him. I can control what habits I allow, and I can control my response to fear - fears that I’ll never get married or be a mom or look the way I want to.
Sisters, I can’t focus on “fixing” my desires, and I can’t try to fill what only God can fill - that never works. I can only focus on drawing nearer to God’s heart so that He can purify all my desires and teach me to know and love Him more. And while I don’t have it all figured out, there’s one thing I know to be true...
For every longing, He is there to fill it.
Father,
Thank You for giving us desires. Thank You for allowing us to experience longing and desire and ache. Thank You for giving us desires that turn our hearts to You - that require Heavenly assistance.
Father, help us to focus on the things that we can control - our actions, our love for You, our response to Your call. Help us to see our desires as beautiful - not burdensome.
God, we love You. We long for You. Teach us how to love You with every desire within us. Amen.